Of when your love came down“
God has been trying to heal me for a while now. At home I am the protector of my friends and family, so I feel like I have to be strong for them. Coming to Africa I felt like I would take on the same role as a protector and be strong for everyone else so that they could have someone to feel like they could count on. God definitely had different plans for being here. The further into the trip the more I realized I was being vulnerable with these girls and opening up to them like I never had before. It was scary to see myself trusting so many people so fast. There was still that wall that was getting in the way of allowing me to be completely open. I didn’t know what it was but I prayed that God would open my heart and eyes to see what needed to be done.
I began getting sick about two weeks ago and I thought it was just a simple cold that would go away in a few days. Me being the stubborn person that I am decided I would just keep pushing myself and tell everyone I felt fine. The more I pushed the worse I felt. I still had not told everyone how horrible I felt or how serious it really was getting because I did not want people feeling sorry for me. I told our leaders and because we were going to South Africa in a few days I figured I could go to the doctors. I had to keep reminding and checking up to make sure the plans were arranged.
The day that we got to South Africa I felt dead. I hadn’t eaten real food for a while now because of how swollen my tonsils were (they were touching in the back) and I was ready to go to the doctors. As the day went on and I continued to ask just about every five minutes when I could go to the doctors I realized it wouldn’t be today. I was so frustrated and tired that all I knew what to do was cry. Did my leaders not care? Were they not realizing how horrible I felt? I went to take a shower and as I sat in the shower crying my eyes out (because I was too tired to stand) I asked God to send me home. I couldn’t deal with another day.
I went to bed after my shower but couldn’t sleep. As I tossed and turned I begged that God would just send me home. I wanted to be around people who knew me and would take care of me. I still couldn’t sleep and it is now 2 a.m. so I decide to go into the common room and read my bible. I open it up to 2 Corinthians 12:8-10. WEAKNESS, Gods power works best when I am WEAK! I am so used to protecting myself that I didn’t realize how weak I was until now. I am at my weakest moment and yet I still am holding back. The reason no one knows how bad I feel or how serious it is is because I don’t tell them. How can I expect to carry myself through this. If I had opened up and allowed God to work in me and allowed my team to know what was going on then maybe I wouldn’t feel the way I did.
I ended up going to the doctors and getting the medicine I needed but God definitely taught me a lesson through it all. He is healing me and I need to be weak now to show how strong He is. I don’t have to go through life on my own. There are 11 other girls by my side that are here to help me through and I don’t have to be alone. Gods love is pouring over me and He is healing me of the past hurts but I cannot do it on my own. His grace is all I need and His power does work best when I am weak.
Mere
